Still at the Cottage

The New Rules for Cottage Guests (and the New Rules for Cottage Hosts) Times have changed at the cottage and faster than you may have realized. There are new gizmos, new blights, new diseases, new perils of all sorts. All of these create both new pressures and new opportunities for cottage guests. There are more wrong things that can be done, more ways to avoid being invited back. That may be what you want, of course. Early in the nineties, a list of rules I wrote for cottage guests was published in Cottage Lifeand subsequently republished in a book called How to Be Not Too Bad, a Canadian version of those ubiquitous guides to excellence. Most of the rules still apply, but progress has brought about a need for modifications. To refresh your memory, here are the old rules for cottage guests, juxtaposed with the new ones. 1. (The old rule) Don't expect your hosts to meet you on time. Their metabolism has slowed, and they have lost their sense of urgency. 1. (The new rule) Don't phone from the car.They went to the cottage to get away from people who phone from the car. 2. Do not feel it is necessary to show up in nautical gear. 2. Tilley hats are for amateurs.The proper cottage hat has an unfamiliar logo and grease stains, to show that you're prepared to get dirty. You can still hope that nobody takes you up on it. 3. Comment only favourably upon the cottage and its surroundings, avoiding words such as quaintand cute. 3. What you really want to know about the cottage is what it cost. You are not allowed to ask, although that information may well be volunteered.If the cottage is so modern it doesn't look like a cottage at all, don't say that. No matter how comfortable the cottage is, its occupants want to feel they are roughing it. 4. Do not feel that you have to comment upon everything, even favourably. 4. That lovely piece of driftwood may have cost several thousand dollars at a downtown gallery. Don't ask who dragged it in off the beach. 5. Normal rules of conversation apply: Dinner is not "grub"; a beer before dinner is not a "drinkie-poo." 5. Cottage food is often simpler and need not be analyzed in detail. The same goes for wine. 6. Dinner table conversation is about what happens at the cottage, not what happens at the office. 6. Never, under any circumstances, look at your BlackBerry when others are watching. Never, under any circumstances, talk about what you just saw when you looked. 7. Unless otherwise instructed, help with the dishes. Comments about the lack of a dishwasher are not helpful. 7. Just because dinner is over, doesn't mean you can turn on your cellphone. Don't forget to volunteer to empty the dishwasher. 8. Sex is permissible, but walls are thin. 8. Cottage bathrooms, if there are any, are communal. Govern yourself accordingly. Don't leave your Viagra on the counter. 9. The only answer to "How did you sleep?" is "Fine." 9. An equally relevant reply is that your back feels much better. You might be tempted to discuss what you've been working on at the gym, but avoid the temptation. If (see rule 10), you are reluctant to talk about your back, talk about what a fine day it looks like it will be. This, however, is not the time to talk about how your cellphone is so great that you can get the Weather Network on it and you know what the forecast is. Don't tell, unless you can make your forecast sound like you got it from looking at cGordon, Charles is the author of 'Still at the Cottage ', published 2006 under ISBN 9780771034145 and ISBN 0771034148.