It's Not You, It's Him The Zero Tolerance Approach to Dating

1 Assume You're Perfect You're single, and your mother says you're too hard to please, your sister says you're too assertive, and your friends say you should play hard to get. You argue with them, but you suspect that they may be right. You've begun to believe that you're too picky, too pushy, or a princess. Right? Well, here's a news flash: even if they are right, it doesn't matter. The odds are that you would still be single even if you were perfect! The real problem isn't you at all. It isn't your hair, your weight, your job, your hobbies, your accent, your family, or your perfume. It isn't that you're too choosy, cautious, or combative. It isn't that you're too shy or too social, too spoiled or too stingy, too career-minded or too marriage-minded. Somewhere, there is a guy for you . . . actually, many guys. But all you need is one. And he'll fall in love with you as you are. To him you'll be perfectly lovable. Take the case of Marianne: Marianne just got engaged. Her friend told me that Marianne ran into an old flame (her Mr. Big!) at a party and they started seeing each other again, for what must be the fourth time. Her friend said she was in despair that Marianne would do this to herself again. But listen to this! They went on vacation together to a pricey resort, and this time Marianne decided to stop trying so hard to please him, and instead she decided to do whatever she wanted to do (sleep late, go to the spa). If he went to play golf at dawn, well, so be it. She was prepared to be dumped again and was just going along for the ride. But instead of breaking her heart again, he proposed! Had Marianne's boyfriend proposed this time because he thought she was too needy before and now saw her as more independent? Had things changed because she was trying too hard before and now was more relaxed? Had her boyfriend found her too available before and now hard to get? Her friends had plenty of theories about the relationship. But it was none of these things. Marianne asked him. She said, "Why now?" "Well," he said, "I'm over forty now, and I'm ready to settle down." He said he'd always loved her but just wasn't ready. It wasn't her--it was him! This floored Marianne's friend. Why? Because she realized that she was doing exactly what most single women do to themselves--she blamed Marianne for her boyfriend's reluctance to move ahead, when it really had very little to do with her. She was perfectly lovable all along; she was just dating someone who wasn't perfectly ready. The Primary Principle The truth is, there's someone for everyone, and eventually every one of us will find our prince. And we don't need to change who we are to make that dream come true. We do, however, need to change how we date, how we see men, and, most of all, how we see ourselves. We need to understand just when the problem is not us. We need to understand just how the problem is not us. And we need to understand just why the problem is not us. But it's not easy to stop blaming yourself. After years of having the wrong ideas about dating and going about it the wrong way, it takes practice to get it right, but you can do it. What follows are the strict directions, exercises, tests, and drills that will help you find a fairy-tale ending while dating in the real world. They are the same psychological prescriptions I've given to patients for almost two decades . . . and they really work! Dating the wrong way is trying to reinvent yourself again and again, and then changing yourself still more. All that time and effort focused on yourself, blaming yourself, being dissatisfied with yourself, is a huge drain. Instead, it's time to get practical and realistic. Dating is hugely simplified when you assume that you're perfect but that no man is ever going to be. When you assume that you're perfect, you realize thatWitkin, Georgia is the author of 'It's Not You, It's Him The Zero Tolerance Approach to Dating', published 2006 under ISBN 9780767920506 and ISBN 0767920503.