Free-Range Chickens

Terrifying childhood experiences Got your nose! Please just kill me. Better to die than to live the rest of my life as a monster. What's that in your ear? Heyit's a quarter! Why is everybody laughing? I have a horrifying brain disease. Peek-a-boo! Jesus Christ. You came out of nowhere. When I lost my first tooth me: You're never going to believe this. I was hanging out with my friends and all of a sudden, a tooth fell out of my mouth. I think there's something seriously wrong with me. mom: Looks like the tooth fairy's coming to town! me: Who? mom: The tooth fairy. She visits children in the middle of the night and takes their teeth. me: Is she . . . a cannibal? mom: No, she's a fairy. me: What else does she take? Does she take eyes? mom: No, just teeth. And when she's done, she leaves a surprise under your pillow. me: Oh my God. mom: I wonder what it'll be this time? me: Okay . . . let's not panic here. There's got to be a way to trap her or kill her. We just need to think. mom: You don't want to kill the tooth fairy. me: Why not? Wait a minute . . . I see what's going on. You're in cahoots with her! God, it all makes sense now . . . how else would she know that I had lost a tooth in the first place? mom: I think someone's getting a little sleepy. me: Wait until Dad finds out about this! mom: He knows about the tooth fairy, sweetie. me: Jesus Christ. How high up does this thing go? mom: Let's get you tucked in. me: Listen . . . as long as we're laying it all on the line, you might as well be straight with me. What other fairies are you working with? Is there a face fairy? mom: There's just a tooth fairy, sweetie. She comes every time you lose a tooth. me: What do you mean "every time"? I'm going to lose more teeth? mom: You're going to lose all of them. A conversation between the people who hid in my closet every night when I was seven freddy krueger: When do you guys want to kill him? murderer from the six o'clock news: How about right now? dead uncle whose body i saw at an open casket funeral: I say we do it when he gets up to pee. You know, when he's walking down the hallway, in the dark. freddy krueger: What if he doesn't get up? murderer: He'll get up. Look at how he's squirming. It's only a matter of time. dead uncle: Man, I cannot wait to kill this kid. murderer: Same here. freddy krueger: I've wanted to kill him ever since he saw my movie. dead uncle: Hey, do you guys remember that night-light Simon used to have? murderer: Man, that thing scared the heck out of me. freddy krueger: It's a good thing his mom got rid of it. Now there's nothing to stop us from killing him. (Everyone nods in agreement.) dr. murphy: Hey, guys, sorry I'm late. I was busy scheduling an appointment with Simon, to give him shots. freddy krueger: No problem. (Freddy Krueger and Dr. Murphy do their secret handshake.) murderer: It's getting kind of crowded in here. Chucky, can you move over? chucky: I'm over as far as I can get. murderer: I need more space than you're giving me. I'm a lot bigger than you. chucky: Are you calling me short? dr. murphy: Hey, guys, relax, all right? We're all here for the same reason: to kill and possibly eat Simon. murderer: (Sighs.) YoRich, Simon is the author of 'Free-Range Chickens', published 2008 under ISBN 9781400065899 and ISBN 1400065895.