If Only

Love, Kiss and Broken Promises Lee and Christopher were in the kitchen debating about which of them was going to snog me. We were at my friend Shona's twelfth birthday party, sitting in the lounge listening to "Move Closer" by Phyllis Nelson and "Cherish" by Kool and the Ganggood snogging songs. Lee said that because he'd been my boyfriend twice before it was only fair that he kiss me. We were in the same class at junior school and used to play True Dare, Double DareLove, Kiss or Promise in the stock cupboard. I would run my hand across his skinhead haircut and tell him it tickled. Even at that age I was aware of sexual attraction but in a very naive and childish way. I wore a green drop-waisted miniskirt with my hair in braided pigtails and when I looked in the mirror, I thought, "Yeah, you're looking kinda sexy today." I had dropped Lee and started going out with Darren from Unit Six, who was one of those really bad kids that everyone said was a bit mental. Then my friend Tina started going out with Lee and I got jealous and wanted him back. It caused some tension. From the kitchen I heard Christopher say, "I'm gonna get off with Geri." In our language "get off" meant kissing with tongues. "No you're not. I'm gonna," said Lee. "I said I was gonna first." "She used to be my girlfriend." "But she's not your girlfriend now." "She is . . . ah . . . sort of." "You broke up." "Well, she's more mine than yours." The whole conversation seemed totally absurd. I didn't expect kissing to be so premeditated; it took away all the excitement. I thought it just happened naturally, and besides, I didn't belong to anybody. I made my choice. Lee was being a prat to assume a prior claim over me so I chose Christopher. Shona had also said that he'd cry if I didn't pick him. We snogged on the sofa and I remember seeing Lee out of the corner of my eye motioning to Christopher to put his hand up my top. I figured he was going to be rather disappointed because I had no bra to unhitch and nothing to grab. He went to do it. "I don't wear a bra," I said apologetically. He mumbled something incomprehensible and kept kissing me. Lee stuck his tongue out, signaling Christopher to do the same. I was so shocked my mouth locked shut and his tongue went round my lips like a washing machine. I had to wipe the spit off afterward. I found out later that Christopher told everyone I had a really small mouth. I was so embarrassed. The next day I saw him hanging around on the corner after school, waiting for me. Shona and I were sitting on the brick wall, biting our nails. I just wanted him to go away. I lived in the same house in Jubilee Road, Watford, for my whole childhood. It was around the corner from the Pakistani supermarket which had gum ball machines out front and boxes of overripened fruit and veg. Eileen, who ran the greengrocer opposite, used to target her discounts to make sure nobody bought veg from the Pakistanis. There was no major landmark to help you get your geographical bearings of my neighborhood. Every street looked almost identicallike the set of Coronation Street. Our two-story semi had a flat front, set a few feet back from the road, and was plastered in a hideous pebble-dash that my mother seemed to like. Every other house was the same, with a coal bunker, outside toilet and postage stamp-sized back garden. The only unusual feature of our house was a single-car garage and above the door my father had painted GARAGE ENTRANCE in large black letters. Heaven help anyone who parked across his driveway. There were three bedrooms upstairs. Mum and Dad had the main one, overlooking the street, and I shared the nextHalliwell, Geri is the author of 'If Only', published 2000 under ISBN 9780440235842 and ISBN 0440235847.