10 Greatest Gifts I Give My Children Parenting from the Heart

Chapter 1 Tool One:Forward FocusSometimes I wonder about certain drivers I see hurtling down the highway. Their driving seems very erratic. Then I pull alongside and notice that while they appeared to be looking straight ahead, they were actually driving by looking in the rearview mirror. Some are checking their hair, applying makeup, shaving -- whatever -- and some are just staring in the mirror for no apparent reason.A lot of families I know, including my own for many years, steer their lives the way these drivers do their cars -- by staring in the rearview mirror!We only have a certain amount of energy, time, and potential to use each day. Of the 100 percent we have, only we can choose where to focus it. And while at times it may look as if we're moving forward, most of us are really aiming backward -- back at all our accumulated problems, what didn't work, what went wrong, who else's fault it was, why we can't get where we want to go.Meanwhile, the families that are really going forward look forward, with only a brief glance back now and then to gain perspective and remember what worked before so they can do more of it.It reminds me of five-year-old Jeremy's question: "Mom," he asked in a restaurant one day, "what's history?" His mom, Diane, gave him a lengthy discourse, drawing on her extensive college education."I could see by his blank stare this was not getting through," Diane said. "I asked him where he had heard it used.""The waitress over there just dropped a fork and said 'Well, that's history,'" he replied.The waitress had the proper perspective. She could have focused on how clumsy she was, what a problem it was that she would have to get a clean fork, how it disrupted her work. That kind of thinking would have lowered her self-esteem and diminished her joy and energy, but she let it just go as "history." Instead of reinforcing the thought that this was going to be "another one of those days," she instead turned her attention to moving forward.Can we actually choose how to focus our minds and energy so that we keep moving forward? Absolutely! Let's start with three simple principles of how our minds work.First: We can only focus on one thing at a time.When someone thinks he's simultaneously watching television, reading a magazine and talking on the phone he's fooling himself. Research shows that he is actually switching his attention back and forth from one thing to another. Dentists have discovered how patients listening to music through headphones experience less discomfort because they're focusing on the music rather than what's going on in their mouth. We all know how easily a child can be distracted from an upset with a hug or a kiss or a toy because he or she can only focus on one thing at a time.Second: We can't avoid a "don't."Imagine I'm standing in front of you fight now and I suddenly hold up a sign that reads: "Don't look at my shoes." Where are your eyes going to go immediately? You guessed it! You might have tremendous willpower and be able to stop your eyes before they drift all the way down to my feet, but the urge will be mighty strong to catch a glimpse of my shoes. This is because our minds have to imagine doing something before we can tell ourselves to do it or not to do it.It took me a long time to realize that when I told my daughter not to spill her milk, she had to visualize actually spilling her milk before she could understand my words. If I tell her not to hit her sister, guess what I've done? If you think I've just presented her with a prime target, you're absolutely right.Third: We go toward what we focus on.Have you ever watched a pothole as you drove down the road and found that's exactly what you steered into? Or started watching the white line along the highway at night and found you were soon straddling it instead of driving in your lane? Horseback riders know a horse will go wheVannoy, Steven W. is the author of '10 Greatest Gifts I Give My Children Parenting from the Heart' with ISBN 9780671502270 and ISBN 0671502271.