Why Men Fall Out of Love What Every Woman Needs to Understand

1 The Hidden Lives of Men For each man kills the thing he loves. Oscar Wilde There are many stories by women about why they leave their husbands, partners, or lovers, but few by men who head for the exits. Are they not getting the attention they want? Are they simply tired of, bored with, or frustrated by their partners and want to trade them inas if shopping for a carfor a newer, shinier model? Are they filled with so much anger, frustration, or confusion about their relationships, or other parts of their lives, that they don't know what else to do but leave? Maybe they're hoping to find a new woman to save them, or they're chasing a lost childhood. Many are clueless about where their emotions come from and how they workthey understand the effect but not the causeand how important their childhood is to the man and intimate partner they ultimately become. Their confusion also comes from mixed messages they receive from women. On the one hand, men are often chided for not being emotional or sensitive enough, but they also hear that emotions are a woman's domain and that men can't possibly understand their complexity or compete with women in this arena. So men think, with linear male logic, why bother becoming something, or attempt to master a skill, they can't possibly succeed at? For men, falling in love seems relatively straightforward. It usually starts with physical attraction and/or infatuation, followed by an emotional connection, then attachment, openness, and trust and, as the relationship matures, companionship, a sense of responsibility, and dependency. Falling out of love is usually more gradual, complex, and unsettling, not just for its painful impact but because of the subtle, dimly understood reasons behind it. The thief who steals love away is sometimes another being who lives inside us. Often he is the child we once were and then abandoned prematurely. The thief is also the incessant voice of our masculinity, and our passive willingness to accept traditional male stereotypes. It is as well the "binge and purge" values of popular culture; the struggle to find healthy role models; the conscious and unconscious behavior of our female partners; and, not least, the difference between how men and women learn, think, and communicate. The ten stories here offer different insights on why men struggle with love. One insight, hardly groundbreaking but still important, is that the nest and its boundaries send a mixed message to a man almost from the beginning. On the one hand, there is the idea of "growing up" and "settling down" and having a familya primary definition of masculinity. On the other, most men, at some level, are inherently uncomfortable in a committed relationship. They think or fantasize about whether they chose the right partner, and isn't it too bad that they have to settle for just one woman because no one partner can satisfy a man on every level. Men tend to want it all, even if they're afraid to say so out loud, or admit that, practically speaking, the goal is impossible. The irony is that when their relationships run into trouble, men, rather than leave, often stayout of convenience or habit, fear of the unknown, the sense that quitting means failure, or the belief that somehow they can fix the problem. The underlying assumption behind all four reasonsubiquitous in male cultureis that a man must always feel in control of his own world. In any relationship, as early infatuation gives way to the daily routine and compromises of living together, men dwell specifically on the limitations on their sexual freedom. What a woman may happily define as "security" and "comfort" often comeFrench, Michael is the author of 'Why Men Fall Out of Love What Every Woman Needs to Understand', published 2007 under ISBN 9780345492913 and ISBN 0345492919.