Take This Advice The Most Nakedly Honest Graduation Speeches Ever Given

Al Franken Harvard University, Class Day, 2002I was all set to give a speech today entitled, "American Jihad." But after receiving several complaints, I've decided instead to give a less controversial speech entitled: "The Case for Profiling Young Arab Men."Before I go any further, I would like to thank the university and President Summers for conferring upon me an honorary degree, an honorary doctorate, in Afro-American Studies. And especially for offering me a chair as a professor in that department -- an offer I hereby most heartily accept.I don't know much about Afro-American Studies. But I can assure you that I can use the summer to get myself up to speed.But seriously, it is an honor to speak here today to you, the graduating Class of 2002, and to congratulate all of you -- for getting into Harvard in the first place. Because let's face it, once you get in here, as long as you don't kill someone or embezzle one hundred thousand dollars from your student organization, you're going to graduate.And to those of you who are graduating with honors: congratulations on doing some of the reading and on going to many of your classes, and getting notes from friends on the classes you didn't go to, and on handing in most of your papers on time. Way to go! Good work!To those of you who did not graduate with honors, "Wow! Whoa!" But then again, congratulations on your hockey season.As Jeremy [Bronson, who gave the Ivy Oration "Macroeconomic Theory in a Globally Integrated Economy"] said, most of you will be going out into the real world of law school, med school, or investment banking, and you will meet graduates from other colleges who had slightly better educations. Schools like Amherst, Haverford, Wesleyan, Ohio Wesleyan, and pretty much all the other Wesleyans.But you will all have your Harvard degree. And you should never let others forget it!There are ways to let people know you went to Harvard without just blurting out "I went to Harvard." First and foremost, remember -- you didn't go to school in Boston, you went to school in Cambridge.But if you really want to perfect the technique of slipping Harvard into a conversation, just consult your parents -- they've been working on this from the moment you got your acceptance letter. My daughter is a junior here. Let me show you how I do it."Oh yeah, my daughter is twenty-one. She's a junior in college." (Please ask, please ask, please ask, please ask.) "Well, you know, it's great, because, you know, like, she's only really an hour from New York. And you know, we can take the shuttle up to visit her. We took the shuttle, actually, last week to Cambridge."So, I went here. Class of '73. Graduated cum laude. In general studies. Harvard was in many ways a different place in those days. It was much whiter, much more male, and much more preppy. I remember the first person I met when I arrived. I had flown in from Minneapolis, taken a taxi directly to the Yard, and -- lugging a duffel bag and an electric typewriter -- found my freshman hall, Mower. And in the entryway was a guy wearing khakis and a polo shirt. He extended his hand in a very friendly manner -- and this is an absolutely true story -- and he said, "William Sutherland Strong. I'm from northern New Jersey, but my family moved from Massachusetts.""When?" I asked."In the late eighteenth century."Bill Strong and I became very good friends.So, it was much preppier and much whiter. This disturbs some people. A while back Pat Buchanan said that Harvard should reserve 75 percent of its places for white Christians. As a Jew, I was offended, but looking around the Yard today at all the Asians, I kind of see what he's talking about. I mean they've got to stop admitting you people based on merit.I spent three great years at Dunster House. One of the big changes in Harvard life has been the randomization of the housing process. In my day each house had itBark, Sandra is the author of 'Take This Advice The Most Nakedly Honest Graduation Speeches Ever Given', published 2005 under ISBN 9780689878497 and ISBN 0689878494.