Jennifer Government

1 Nike Hack first heard about Jennifer Government at the watercooler. He was only there because the one on his floor was out; Legal was going to come down on Nature's Springs like a ton of shit, you could bet on that. Hack was a Merchandise Distribution Officer. This meant when Nike made up a bunch of posters, or caps, or beach towels, Hack had to send them to the right place. Also, if someone called up complaining about missing posters, or caps, or beach towels, Hack had to take the call. It wasn't as exciting as it used to be. "It's a calamity," a man at the watercooler said. "Four days away from launch and Jennifer Government's all over my ass." "Jee-sus," his companion said. "That's gotta suck." "It means we have to move fast." He looked at Hack, who was filling his cup. "Hi there." Hack looked up. They were smiling at him as if he was an equal--but of course, Hack was on the wrong floor. They didn't know he was just a Merc Officer. "Hi." "Haven't seen you around before," the calamity guy said. "You new?" "No. I work in Merc." "Oh." His nose wrinkled. "Our cooler's out," Hack said. He turned away quickly. "Hey, wait up," the suit said. "You ever do any marketing work?" "Uh," he said, not sure if this was a joke. "No." The suits looked at each other. The calamity guy shrugged. Then they stuck out their hands. "I'm John Nike, Guerrilla Marketing Operative, New Products." "And I'm John Nike, Guerrilla Marketing Vice-President, New Products," the other suit said. "Hack Nike," Hack said, shaking. "Hack, I'm empowered to make midrange labor-contracting decisions," Vice-President John said. "You interested in some work?" "Some . . ." He felt his throat thicken. "Marketing work?" "On a case-by-case basis, of course," the other John said. Hack started to cry. "There," a John said, handing him a handkerchief. "You feel better?" Hack nodded, shamed. "I'm sorry." "Hey, don't worry about it," Vice-President John said. "Career change can be very stressful. I read that somewhere." "Here's the paperwork." The other John handed him a pen and a sheaf of papers. The first page said CONTRACT TO PERFORM SERVICE, and the others were in type too small to read. Hack hesitated. "You want me to sign this now?" "It's nothing to worry about. Just the usual noncompetes and nondisclosure agreements." "Yeah, but . . ." Companies were getting a lot tougher on labor contracts these days; Hack had heard stories. At Adidas, if you quit your job and your replacement wasn't as competent, they sued you for lost profits. "Hack, we need someone who can make snap decisions. A fast mover." "Someone who can get things done. With a minimum of fucking around." "If that's not your style, well . . . let's forget we spoke. No harm done. You stick to Merchandising." Vice-President John reached for the contract. "I can sign it now," Hack said, tightening his grip. "It's totally up to you," the other John said. He took the chair beside Hack, crossed his legs, and rested his hands at the juncture, smiling. Both Johns had good smiles, Hack noticed. He guessed everyone in marketing did. They had pretty similar faces, too. "Just at the bottom there." Hack signed. "Also there," the John said. "And on the next page . . . and one there. And there." "Glad to have you on board, Hack." Vice-President John took the contract, opened a drawer, andBarry, Max is the author of 'Jennifer Government' with ISBN 9780385507592 and ISBN 0385507593.