Goomba Diet

CHAPTER 1 The Staff of Life There's almost nothing in the world a real goomba likes better than eating. Even the goombas who aren't fat. The whole goomba world revolves around food. Family is all about food. Business is done over food. Deals are made at restaurants. Every big social event-from the christening to the wedding to the funeral-is built around the food. The most important question in a goomba's life is not "Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?" or "How do you plead?" The most important question in a goomba's life is "When do we eat?" You can identify the goomba by what he eats, when he eats, how he eats, and how often he eats. In my first book I told you that you might be a goomba if you've ever eaten a sandwich on the toilet. If that sounds like you, you might already be on the Goomba Diet without even knowing it. If you're not sure, here are some more clues: YOU ARE ON THE GOOMBA DIET IF . . . The air freshener in your car is a slice of provolone. Your idea of "health food" is vegetable lasagna. Your second word as a baby, after "Mamma," was "mozz-a-rella." The goomba is a hungry man. He needs to eat often and in large portions. And he's particular about what he eats. He's not interested in exotic foods or exotic animals. Don't tempt him with anything made out of raccoon or rattlesnake. He wants a regular meal, served in a regular way. He's happy to eat a turkey dinner, but don't try to feed him any turkey burgers, turkey sausages, or any of that other fake diet food. Don't bring him any beefalo. Don't bring him any Spam. Don't even think about tofu burgers or Tofutti ice cream. He'll order out for Chinese, but that's about it for foreign food. You're wasting your time if you think you're going to get him into that little Indonesian place in SoHo, or the quaint Moroccan hideaway in the Village. He'll eat in a diner owned by a Greek guy, but he's not going to order the stuffed grape leaves. Here's another partial list of the stuff the goomba's not going to eat. YOU'LL NEVER SEE A GOOMBA EAT . . . Grits. Gruyere cheese. Frog's legs. Any other part of the frog. Any weird animal that "tastes like chicken." If the goomba wants to eat something that tastes like chicken, he's going to order the chicken. Anything macrobiotic. Or microbiotic. Bottom line, the goomba ain't missing too many meals. How can you tell? Look at the guy. Most goombas are pretty big. They don't look hungry. They don't look like they've ever been on a diet in their whole lives. If this doesn't sound like you, or anybody you know, you might not be a goomba at all. But you might still need the Goomba Diet. YOU NEED THE GOOMBA DIET IF . . . You have an offensive nickname, like Joey the Stomach. Your waist size is larger than your IQ. It's been more than a month since you saw your penis. They start asking you to use the freight elevator at your apartment. It takes more than two people holding hands to give you the Heimlich. Food is like religion to the goomba. He believes in his mother's marinara and Sunday sauce the same way he believes in the Virgin Mary-only more so. Insult his mother's cooking and you're a dead man. Some people just eat to live. The goomba, he lives to eat. You don't see the goomba taking a business meeting at Starbucks. He's going to suggest lunch at Luigi's or dinner at Mario's if he's serious. I have a friend who everyone calls Big Rocco. He's a good friend and a great guy. And he's big. I mean, he's huge. He makes me look small.Schirripa, Steven R. is the author of 'Goomba Diet ', published 2006 under ISBN 9781400054633 and ISBN 140005463X.