Howl A Collection of the Best Contemporary Dog Wit

9780307338389

030733838X

Here's the Beef [Bonnie Thomas Abbott] "Boys and girls, Howls N' Growls proudly presents, direct from a sold- out month at Hollywood's Rin-Tin-Tin-Pan Alley, put your paws together and give a real Chagrin Falls welcome to . . . Gracie!" [wild woofing] Thank you. Thank you. [wild barks and woofing continues] Wow! [yips] OK, OK. Down, boys and girls. Sit. Siiiiiiit. How about those Browns? [rhythmic woofing] It sure is cold here in Cleveland. Any of you have electric blankets at home? [yelps] Man, I love that thing. You just melt into the coverlet. Good-bye stiff hips! And under the covers . . . that's even better than sex. Well, almost better. But how would I know? Thanks a lot, Mom! [yelps from the females in the crowd] Hey, do you ever leak a little gas in bed and next thing you know, Mom is waving her magazine around, "Jeeze, Gracie." Just when I drop off to sleep again, "For crying out loud, Gracie!" Now Mom's waving the magazine around so hard, the dust bunnies are diving under the bed [ripple of howls] and those scratch- and-sniff perfume pages are stinking up the bedroom. I mean, when Mom does it, do I say anything? No, I just politely ignore it, like I didn't notice. And who's got the real nose for noticing, for crying out loud! But let me do it a third time and she's suddenly, "All right, that's it! Get off the bed!" [light-hearted snarling] What do we do when this happens? Everybody? ["SULK!" the audience howls] That's right! Sulk. Slink over to the quote-unquote dog bed, turn your back, and let out the Big Sigh. Oh, you all know it works every time. Give it ten minutes, tops, and either she's patting the coverlet to invite you back or . . . she's asleep and won't know the difference anyway! [yelps and howls] Then it's fart away all you please. She'll never hear you over her own snoring! [wild woofing and tail wagging] You know another thing that bugs me? Mom goes away for the day and leaves the television on "to keep me company." And what channel does she leave it on? ["ANIMAL PLANET!" the audience snarls] That's it! Now, first of all, how am I supposed to sleep with the television blaring the whole damn day? Second, Animal Planet? Do I give a damn about anteaters in Moombazwi or hippos in . . . who knows where the hell hippos live? And those animal cruelty police shows! She can't guess how upsetting that is? [snarling] I know you know! That's good for a year of visits to the therapist. If you're going to ruin a day's worth of napping at least leave the TV on the Food Channel. How about that Paula Deen? What's better than a breaded and deep-fried pork chop? [nose whistling] Nothing? How about a breaded and deep fried pork chop dropped on the kitchen floor! [wild howling and tail wagging] Now that's some haute cuisine! You know what I really hate? Pedicures. [snarling] The other day Mom took me to this new placeI thought we were going shopping for biscuits at the mega-pet-mart storeand the next thing I know I'm getting my (bleep) toenails trimmed. "Boy, that was fast," says Mom when the woman returns me to the reception area. "Oh, I just threw her up on the table and clipped all eighteen before she even had time to count to three," the woman says. [audience flattens ears] How would she like it if the manicurist at her salon just threw her into the pedicure chair and slapped on some pearlescent purple polish even before she had time to fish the twenty out of her pocketbook? [yap, yap, yap] Mom used to have a Cocker S