Case Against Lawyers How the Lawyers, Politicians, and Bureaucrats Have Turned the Law into an Instrument of Tyranny and What We As Citizens Have to Do About It

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ONE - We Love Our Rules Sports have always been a favorite metaphor in American life. It is hard to have a conversation with an American male that doesn't include some reference to goals, yard lines, home runs, Hail Marys, you name it. I find an amazing correlation between the way we play our games and the way we live our lives. Compare many European sporting events with American games. In soccer or rugby, the play is virtually nonstop. There is only one referee on the field. When infractions occur, the ref approximates the site of the foul, the ball is replaced, and play immediately resumes. In American football, the field is covered with officials on top of every play. Yellow flags fly constantly. Chain markers carefully measure every inch the ball progresses. There are constant timeouts for consultation, even video review of contested plays. The rules are endless. Arguments abound and controversial calls will be examined for years. Thank God there's not a level of appeal beyond the head referee. As it is, a game with sixty playing minutes takes three times as long to finish. But we love our rules. We think they make a game safer, fairer, and more just. If someone gets injured, it is time to sue the other player, the equipment manufacturer, or the school. If a ref makes a bad call, we need more cameras for the instant replay. We seem unwilling to accept that there will be times when chance, accident, bias, or corruption will defeat the best rules and regulations. I say, get a life. Let's get on with the game. I find it amazing that people who profess to be so rugged, independent, and free want even our roughest sport to be predictable and safe. The rugby players I know scoff at our wimpy version of football. "Imagine," they say, "if we put those guys on our field and made them play without pads essentially nonstop for an hour. They'd all be dead!" This is more than a metaphor. This is now the American way of life. Name one thing you did today--after rolling off that mattress (bearing the label "Do not remove under punishment of law"), showering in water with the temperature preset by a boiler manufacturer to prevent scalding, using the hairdryer that warns against electrocution in the bathtub, eating breakfast properly labeled for the allergy or calorie conscious, getting into your car as the seat-belt warning dings, then heading down the road with traffic signs and lights everywhere you turn--that isn't somehow regulated. It's hard to do. Take a gander at ten of my favorite examples from the annual Wacky Warning Label contest sponsored by Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch. Remember, these are all legitimate labels to protect you from yourself: NUMBER TEN: The label on a handheld massager advises "Do not use while sleeping or unconscious." NUMBER NINE: A label on a public toilet reads "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." NUMBER EIGHT: A can of self-protection pepper spray warns users "May irritate eyes." NUMBER SEVEN: No matter how slow the print out, please heed the warning on a laser printer cartridge: "Do not eat toner." NUMBER SIX: A thirteen-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns "Not intended for highway use." NUMBER FIVE: A label on prescription sleeping pills warns that they "may cause drowsiness." NUMBER FOUR: A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns "Do not drive with sunshield in place." NUMBER THREE: Bicycle shin guards warn "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." NUMBER TWO: A household iron warns "Never iron clothes while they are being worn" (and don't steam yourself either; I've tried). And finally, my favorite, and 1999's big winner: NUMBER ONE: Parents, please read the baby stroller label that cautions "Remove c