You know what really spoils the sizzlin’ mood? Kids. Never, ever, ever take your sweetheart to a place frequented by shrieking hell spawn aka children. G-rated movies are out. Especially if you’d like to avoid any chance of being mistaken as a pervert.
So, avoid the following places:
- Children’s Birthday Parties
- Chuck E. Cheese’s
- Dave & Buster’s
- Any place that serves ice cream with toppings like sprinkles and gummy bears.
Sure, you might be having fun playing Stacker, Claw Game, or Skee Ball (just so you know, that’s the name of that game where you throw those balls up the ramp into those circular rings for points — TMYK!).
That’s until Timmy, Tommy or Johnny (with the naming practices of today, Aiden, Braydon, or Raiden) appears out of nowhere and steals your tickets while giving you the raspberry or — nowadays — the big bird and cursing at you.
Yea, you just got owned by a seven year old.
A Death Metal Performance
This means that under no circumstances (exception: You are dating a totally awesome rocker chick/dude) should you take your sweetheart to a death metal show. You know, the type… Where instead of some lightly peach-fuzzed hipster in a checked shirt singing about his life, there’s some grotesquely obese dude wearing stained sweatpants and a black t-shirt growling like a stuck pig as loud as he can.
If you think that sort of thing turns most normal coeds on, you need to recalibrate your romantic compass.
The Grocery Store
Not only is it frigid and filled with bag ladies and creepy old men buying stacks of tonic water and discount Fresca, but also it will reveal your darkest secrets.
- Off-brand TV Dinners: If you buy these, you are sending a clear message. I can’t cook worth a damn so romantic home cooked meals are out of the question and I’m cheap.
- Medicine: If it’s sexual in nature and not a condom or a “sexy thing” (ie. warming or flavored lube) you’re totally screwed. Even something as innocuous as painkillers or skin cream can be a turn-off.
- Boring ice cream flavors: Look, nothing says “boring personality” like a guy who buys Vanilla. We live in a dream world of ice cream where you can get everything from Double Dutch California Orange and English Toffee Crunch with Tiny Marshmallows Shaped Like Simon Cowell to the absolute crazy delight that is Orange Pineapple. If you buy vanilla they’ll follow the buying pattern to its logical conclusion: you’re a dead fish in the bedroom. Seriously, buy Orange Pineapple and blow their mind.
- Toilet paper: Look, nobody needs to think about poop on a date.
A Star Trek Convention
Look, we feel for you. We love Star Trek. TOS, TNG, DS9, even Voyager sometimes if we’re feeling a little crazy. We understand the nerd love. We can relate to the poetry of Picard and the Kirkian charisma.
Nothing about Star Trek is sexy. Not unless you’ve got one of the nerdiest dates on Earth. In which case, we question why you would ever need the advice we’re about to offer in this article as you are a God Among Men, and need read no further as it does not apply.
“The Inner Light” was a touching episode, but while your mind is careening with the philosophical import of Picard’s “other life”, your date will be snoring like a Yeti on the couch, clothed and dreaming of another studly suitor who watches Hockey or Football.
This means that the very worst idea in the whole wide United Federation of Planets would be to escort your romantic target to the most epic meeting of the nerds in the known galaxy — a Star Trek convention.
Instead of spending your time and money strolling the sunny sidewalk, buying flowers, chocolates, or perhaps even lingerie or bathing suits with the object of your desires you’ll be looking forward to autograph signings from C-level genre actors and endless merch tables filled with toys from the 1980s.
Game over man, game over.
You may as well initiate your own self-destruct sequence. Command word: Poor decision, nerd.