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Survive ‘er: The New College Experience

Apr 22 2012 at 10:56 pm by

woman surviving the junglePart 2 of our series on the best college reality shows that have never happened.

With the show that started “it” all – the explosion of the reality TV genre into mainstream popularity and pop cultural dominance – airing its twenty-fourth season, it’s kind of hard to believe that Mr. Probst and his crew have yet to consider the ratings bonanza on offer by challenge college co-eds to several on-campus challenges. Grab your best buds, your replica immunity idols, and consider filling out an application and a pain waiver in order to sign up for what is sure to be the hottest show of summer 2012, Survive ‘er. Or, as the Mayans would have termed it – the last summer, ever.

Survive ‘er: A New Show with No Boundaries

Television producers have been pushing the envelope since the format gained popularity during the mid to late twentieth century. It’s not a new idea. However, in an age where the boundaries have been pushed so far that nothing seems to shock anymore, Survive ‘er offers a whole new level of depravity, insanity, and schadenfreude all knotted together in an ouroboros of angst. For those of you without access to a thesaurus, thesaurus.com, or a liberal arts education, this means that it just got REAL.

Survive ‘er execs have already dropped pamphlets on many major American (sorry, Canadians) college campuses with some helpful tips and tricks for their upcoming qualifying challenges to see just who really survives the hell that is the contemporary college lifestyle. All contestants must overcome the preliminary challenge as well as a bonus endurance round to really prove your mettle (or that you’re metal!).

Hot Dog Eating Contest: What?!

Just when you thought you were safe from the dreaded food joke. Nope, not in this article.

An old-time staple re-invented for the modern era. Yea, back in the day you could be a real big shot around town if you placed 2nd at a local hot dog eating contest – you might even get your name in the papers! Nowadays with hot dog eating freaks like Kobayashi pounding down 69 at a time, you’re going to have to really step up your game.

Why hot dogs? They’re cheap, easy to prepare (just slice those babies up into some Kraft Mac and Cheese or a can of Chef Boyardee), and don’t go bad if you leave them out on top of the pizza box from that party three nights ago (you’ll get around to it). They’re the ultimate college food as well as being an American institution and longstanding tradition of her peoples.

Practice for the big leagues on healthier alternatives like English cucumber or raw zucchini; remember, there’s only one immunity idol per dorm or discipline so make it work people!

eating a hot dog

Special Endurance Round: Stay Sober at the Department Mixer!

Forget about sorority pillow fights and beer pong with the “broskis”, this is going to take some serious dedication! You’re going to be spending at least three hours this Thursday night attempting to stay sober during your departmental mixer, making astute and witty conversation the entire while. No imitations accepted – if you fall flat your chances of winning the immunity idol follow suit.

  • Pry your eyelids open while your department head tells hour-long stories about grading prehistoric gender studies papers from the early 1960s!
  • Pretend you actually like the loudmouthed idiot in your cohort who insists on speciat status and attention!
  • And best of all, no booze for you! You get to enjoy 180 minutes (that’s 10,800 seconds, for those counting the clock) in a small room with bad lighting, folding desks, and socially inept, unpracticed drunks. Survive with your sanity intact, and that idol is as good as yours.

drunk girl at party

While relatively few details are as yet to be revealed by those looking to push beyond the pilot of this “bold and sassy” new television experience, there’s certainly no doubt that the promise of smart and sexy college students strutting their stuff both inside and outside of the classroom will draw a very wide audience.

Be part of the magic, the excitement, the experience!

… and show those hot dogs who’s boss*!

Who’s with us?

*contestant’s choice of traditional or a saucy New England style bun upon request. We all know it’s the better choice.

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