So what’s required of you if you want to impress your new peers in the college world? A whole lot, actually. You’re going to have to go to cool-kid bootcamp and it’s not gonna be pretty. Up first, a trip to the closet. It might be the last time, as you probably won’t get a closet in your dorm room.
Leave the dragon shirts, deep v’s and skinny jeans (for guys), leggings (for girls), and flip flops at home.
Just because Ricky wore them in Trailer Park Boys doesn’t make the dragon shirt cool. You know the ones. Anime-inspired and about ten years retro. Forget about it.
Deep v-necks will probably get you a cold beer poured down your deep v-neck. Not worth it. Skinny jeans were never cool, not for any reason, ever. It’s not ironic and it’s not attractive.
For the ladies, please leave the leggings at the folks house unless you are planning to resemble the elderly or visit an uncommonly cold country. Jeans, jeans, jeans, and pinstriped pants once in a while. Make sure they fit. A nice pair of jeans can go with anything and people can use their imagination instead of just mentally changing the color of your leggings (sometimes worn by themselves) to nude. Make them work for it.
Flip flops are a breeding ground for stink, stank, and insanely gross bacteria. Buy a pair of Sanuk sidewalk surfers or equivalent casual like a real insider. Next time you see someone wearing flip flops, look at their feet. At least 75% chance of some major nasty. That foot didn’t start out green-brown.
Broaden your musical horizons
Yea, you like Justin Bieber, and so do all your besties in Grade 12.
Just so you know, no adults, ever, like Justin Bieber.
Overgrown girl-women who read Twilight fanfic five days out of seven might sway to his sultry sugarpop. Strange, befuddled looking men with middle age spread might be clapping off-time to the Biebs Baby, with or without children present.
Both are creepy.
Other than that, no adults. Ever. In history. Historical truism.
You need to start listening to real music, ranging from gangsta rap like Tupac and Snoop (Dogg or Lion – who knows?) to electronica like Deadmau5, Skrillex, and Bullwack. Indie stuff if you didn’t listen to my advice earlier about the leggings like Wolf Parade, Metric, and of course The Arcade Fire.
Are the Arcade Fire even indie anymore now that they’re popular?
If you’re a guy, you’ll definitely need to listen to some heavy metal to fit in, the louder and more violently aggressive (if decapitation or another removal of various body parts is repeatedly mentioned, that’s good – if you can’t even tell what the vocalist is saying because he’s screaming the words at you like a stuck pig, that’s even better) the more points you’ll score.
Ladies will score double points for being brave enough to subject their eardrums to the trauma, and because maybe one out of a hundred heavy metal fans happens to be female. It’s science. Statistical science.
Don’t cry, ever. Especially if you live in residence.
This one is obvious. If you thought high school dramatic plays got intense, now they’re extra-alcohol (and perhaps “other”) fueled with a co-ed dose of extreme hormones.
If you cry, you might as well imagine yourself to be like one of those steaming-hot turkey dinners you’d see in old cartoons where Yosemite Sam was marooned on an island with Bugs Bunny. After getting tired of eating coconuts for years, Bugs started looking pretty appetizing. If you cry, you’re like a defenseless, less spry and less witty Bugs Bunny.
And in real life, when predators catch you there’s no ACME deus ex machina (see, you learn a new word every day!) to save you. Not even your parents, who live thousands of miles away. It’s just you, the coeds, and the concrete walls to bury your screams.
Don’t be Bugs Bunny. Be Yosemite Sam. Prepare yourself for a new frontier just like the Old West (smoking, booze, though hopefully less gunplay) that will surely change your life forever.
Remember, no flip flops. No matter how many pairs you see on faux-tanned or fo-real-funky feet.