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Five of the Coolest Fake Degrees That Should (or Could) Be Real

Oct 31 2012 at 10:14 am by

One of the coolest things about college these days is the fact that you can basically manufacture your very own major – hence, your very own degree! I think the terminology in the educational field would be something along the lines of a degree in “interdisciplinary study.”

Hence, you can basically major in anything. No, seriously, I mean anything. Like methane gas, for instance, just for kicks (because what use would a B.A. in Methane be?).

So here are the five coolest degrees that either should exist or could exist–and maybe someday will.


The Dr. Dolittle Degree

Talk about revolutionizing the veterinary medicine field…. And the beauty of this is that it’s not entirely fantasy, not entirely out of the norm! Seriously. Go to the countryside and see if you can find a “horse whisperer.” Robert Redford would know, obviously.

Theoretically, animals do talk. We just don’t understand them. But what if someone could understand them? There are those types of ‘counselors’ (for lack of a better term) who basically talk to animals, or I should say listen to animals.

All the barking, chirping, snapping, squealing, and everything – it has to mean something. Ever sit at a park right by a tree to look up and see a squirrel chirping angrily at you?

You’re not going crazy – that squirrel is angry at you. You’re sitting right by all the broken nuts, and he or she can’t get to them because he or she’s a crack addict who hates human beings, dogs, cats, and just about anything else that moves.

See? You can talk to animals, too.

That would mean major profit, as you’d have an endless supply of patients, clients, and new best friends. Dr. Dolittle’s legacy, really. He would be so proud.

The educational term for this degree, by the way, would be a Bachelor’s in Animal Language Arts and Communication. Very professional.


The Ghostbuster Degree

Mr. Stay Puft’s days are numbered, baby! Because the boys are back in town – complete with certified degrees in ghost hunting.

Yes, ghost hunting. Proton packs galore.

I make jokes about it, specifically when it involves slime, but the fact is this: ghost hunters are actually real! I’m not kidding. Watch the SyFy Channel, for crying out loud!

Those may be “reality” shows, but they’re actually quite serious about what they do. No, they don’t have those proton packs, and they don’t often come across demon dogs or talking Carpathian paintings.

But those EVPs (Electronic Voice Phenomenon) and other things that go bump in the night get to be the bread-and-butter work of your everyday certified ghost hunter. Think about the qualifications –

Parapsychology would be a necessity. Maybe surveillance, technology, classes on pest extermination, even criminology! All pretty relevant fields in the job market, to be honest. Roll all of those together, and you just might have a pretty good story for a Bachelor’s Degree in Paranormal Investigation and Extermination.

That would be the official title of the degree, of course.


The Minority Report Degree

In some ways, this is my absolute favorite. I lick my lips when I think about this one, because it’s so speculative. Science fiction. Very Isaac Asimov. Or, better yet, Tom Cruise.

I’m, of course, talking about that film “Minority Report.” For those of you who haven’t seen the film, all you need to know is that one day in the near future when we can go back to the future like Marty McFly and Doc in the Delorean, we get to see crimes before they’re even committed. Hence the term pre-crime. Tom Cruise coined it in the movie. He was also the first to use an XBOX Kinect, which is super fun, by the way.

Anyway, I digress. Obviously, this opens up law enforcement to a whole new level, a wonderfully efficient level. While the idea of justice and law enforcement was at best remedial, the idea of pre-crime advanced that idea to one of instant prevention. Preventing the crime before it’s committed.

Now I understand that there’s absolutely no way that this could ever exist. But it should. Likewise, in a way, if you think about it, it already does. It’s about predicting where a criminal will be at any given time.

Surely Tom Cruise couldn’t handle all the crimes before they were committed. He would need a dozen more XBOX Kinects to do that. But he surely could catch those criminals before they would commit another crime, right? Detectives do that all the time.

When you think about it, it’s really the basis behind the study of criminology. Simply put, this degree would officially be called the Bachelor’s in Pre-Criminology. Man, that could get heavy, Doc.


The Men in Black Degree

Maybe Jaden Smith or Willow Smith could team up and join this school and follow in their dad’s footsteps.  They would, however, have to burn off their fingerprints and never know ever again what it’s like to play with other kids their age.

Yes, the Men in Black – the shadows of the truth designed to protect the innocent without the innocent knowing. They’re everywhere, and nowhere. They are the Men in Black.

Truthfully, that may not be far from the truth. Do the research on Area 51 as an example. Lots of weird stuff going on. NASA, of course, has had their fair share of weirdness. Many stick to the belief that UFOs are real, aliens are real, and that Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson may not be dead at all, just back at home on another solar system (they were just visiting).

The idea of aliens is very real. The study of aliens, too, is very real. So it would stand to reason that something like a man in black with a Noisy Cricket or Series 4 De-Atomizer might exist.

This type of degree would include a study in astronomy, law enforcement, special military ops, mythology, and human (or in this case, subhuman or inhuman) resources. Sounds like a great field to get into!

We could call this degree the Bachelor’s in Alien Law Enforcement and Management. Too bad we’ll get “neuralized” before we can write all of this down (oh, wait, I already did. Sucka!).


The Vampire Hunter Degree

This one would be such a blast if it were for real. Sadly, there are a lot of complications involved with this type of profession that would butt heads in so many ways to make headaches trump just about any amount of Ibuprofen and Tylenol.

Law enforcement has a way of being stingy about who carries it out. If you don’t wear a uniform, you’re not qualified to enforce the law. There is, though, a massive grey area there.

“Bounty hunters.” Not the Star Wars kind, though, but close. Bounty hunters are, in fact, a very real thing. However, they’re governed by certain laws and allowed to do certain things that only cops and government agents can do. Jurisdiction is limited, really.

So the prospect of the idea of a “vampire hunter” is pretty slim. So sad. Or is it? (Cue in scary vampire music)

Okay, all joking aside, let’s be serious here. Believe it or not, there is such a thing as a “vampire.” Just not the Hollywood type. I’m being completely serious here. Do the research yourself. There are tons of books on vampirism out there. There’s a whole community out there obsessed with the idea of drinking blood.

No, they’re not undead, and they’re not all British. Some are downright red-blooded American. In all honesty, this vampire community respects human life, drinks blood from consenting adults, and lives a perfectly normal lawful lifestyle.

That, however, doesn’t stop the fact that some vampires out there are actually pretty deranged. Right in line with serial killers, actually. And at this point, this is where we get into religious matters….

Think exorcists, for example. One can argue that such things do exist. People do get demonized. So if exorcists exist, why not vampire hunters? Sure, the Vatican can hire a leather-clad bounty hunter with a crossbow and holy water, right?

This is especially the case if these modern-day vampires crossing that moral boundary of respecting human life end up pissing off the Pope. Don’t mess with the man, baby. He will mess you up in the name of God.

Again, though, what it all boils down to is jurisdiction. Legally, a religious sect can’t take down a criminal at least until the criminal answers to the law, which is separate from church.

But because bounty hunters exist, maybe there’s such a “vampire hunter” out there that would track down the perp for the police department, FBI, or CIA, on behalf of the Vatican or some other religious establishment.

Of course, the individual seeking this Bachelor’s in Divine Demonology Law Enforcement would be forced to work the nighttime shift (stock up on Red Bulls and energy pills), because you know the dark ones don’t like to come out during the day. Not enough sunblock.


The Sky’s the Limit When It Comes to Education

Brainstorm about it, and I’m sure you can think of many more possible professions out there that would be quite enjoyable and profitable to start. And with the way education goes, they may very well be legitimate.

That’s the beauty of college, an education, an expansion of horizons. There’s room for invention, creation, improvisation. All we need to do is let it all be, let it all flow.

And someday soon, we may be the pioneers of horse or dog whisperers, alien law enforcers, Ghostbusters, undead exterminators, or technologically clairvoyant police captains.

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