The narcissist, the man child, the gold digger, the basement dweller, and the freaky creepy stalker – Five Freaky Sexting Personalities!
Sexting is perhaps the most talked about byproduct of the digital age, permeated with smartphones, tablet computers, and social networking sites that provide ample opportunity for sexy text messaging kept – hopefully – private between the two people involved.
Fact is, everybody’s doin’ it. The only question is – what kind of sexter are you?
#1: The Basement Dweller
The basement dweller (aka “neckbeard”) is one of the lesser known species of sexters, only emerging from their mother’s den in the basement to stock up on Doritos and Mountain Dew and occasionally to leer at real live girls. Sexting is the perfect way for the basement dweller to appear confident, macho, and most of all attractive to women without having to expose their web of lies in “meatspace”. Problem is, these guys aren’t very good actors.
A typical sext from one of these fine gentlemen might look something like this:
Popular example(s): Raj from The Big Bang Theory, McLovin’ from Superbad.
#2: The Naughty Narcissist
The naughty narcissist is one of the most common sexters out there – he can be a college frat boy or a high powered corporate executive with more hair on his (back / ass) than on his balding dome. Blessed by the power of a high end Blackberry, iPhone, or superphone – the naughty narcissist is truly in his element. The only problem is – they care more about talking themselves up than they do about tapping that booty, IRL or SMS (srs!). Conversations can be lengthy and often one-sided. An example:
Popular example: Ron Burgundy, That annoying guy in your office with the BMW.
#3: The Sexy Texty Tease (aka. The Gold Digger. No, I’m not paying you anything, Kanye)
Ladies can be just as guilty as men (usually moreso – I’m looking at you, Eve) when it comes to bad sexting etiquette and so it’s only fair to include at least one female archetype. The sexty texty tease, a nice way of saying something else, is a coquettish and ultimately selfish creature. Do you see a pattern here?
Somewhat related to the naughty narcissist, the tease is actually more dangerous because they actually make an effort to show interest in their prey rather than simply using them as a replacement for their usual conversation partner (the wall). Further, most men turn into play-doh at any sexual suggestion from a woman and the tease uses this to great advantage – see below.
Popular example: Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian – pretty-much any female who shows up in a reality TV show.
#4: The Man Child
The Man Child (aka the Nervous Nellie) is the sexter personality type that isn’t really comfortable with the technology or the idea of all of that dirty talk. A white knight in a world which eats men like this and spits them out mangled beyond recognition, the man child is wholly unsuited for engaging in hot convo’s over text or IM.
Not necessarily a geek or a nerd, the man child is simply sexually awkward with hilarious results. An example:
Popular examples: Buddy the Elf from, well, Elf – although I’m pretty sure he sealed the deal with Zooey after the closing credits. Maybe Napoleon Dynamite as well.
#5: The Freaky Creepy Stalker
Almost no introduction necessary – this guy speaks for himself. And boy, does he speak for himself and himself alone (ladies: I promise, there are real good men are nothing like this). The freaky creepy stalker, he pulls his keyboard out. Up start the texts and soon you’ll be grossed out. Then comes the “pic” and a total lack of a shame, then the freaky creepy stalker begins to lurk again. Yes, that’s to the tune of The Itsy Bitsy Spider. Let’s cut to the chase, shall we?
The freaky creepy stalker is perhaps the most dangerous and perverted of the sexting personalities but ultimately can be banished and blocked into text messaging oblivion. Thankfully, most of these sorts don’t gain much traction for all of their wasted efforts.
Popular examples: That older guy who always stares at your chest whenever you bend over at work, most university aged males, Herbert the Pervert from Family Guy.
What kind of Sexter Are You?
Text sex is safe sex, so always remember to keep those keypads clean and your conversations just a bit dirtier – it’s a lot more fun for everyone involved!
So which kind of sexter are you – or are you too good for this little list and too clean to own up to it? Let us know by leaving your comments below this post.
But be honest, you don’t have to lie. Just make sure to turn down the TV so you don’t wake mom and try to be more polite to those you sext in the future.