Given that the field of literature has broadened so deeply as to now include genre fiction which had previously been discarded by the ivory tower and the academy as lesser work, it seemed appropriate to draw titles into the fold which may traditionally escape the lit reading list. Without further ado, let us explore perhaps the five most tragic romances in contemporary fiction.

5. Issib and Shedemei, as written by Orson Scott Card (Homecoming and Harmony Sagas)

Written as a near-Mormon sci-fi saga, OSC’s Homecoming and Harmony Sagas encapsulate the entire gamut of human emotion — betrayal, faith, brotherhood, and sexuality are fully explored and tested to their very limits. Called by a mechanical Oversoul from a distant planet to return to Earth after an apocalyptic war, these pilgrims eventually pair off into mating pairs. The “remnants”, a crippled Issib and a plain Shedemei, are left to each other.

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This means that the foundation, early on, of their relationship is already quite bitter and spiteful — both see each other as living proof of their own lack of attractiveness with little to offer the opposite sex; In fact, Shedemei even coldly reacts to Issibs wounded pride with regards to lovemaking at the outset.

The narrative continually hints at Issib’s feelings of inadequacy — a softness which is often abused in a harsh and hypermasculine society such as the ones the pilgrims instantiate — and Shedemei’s resentment which continues unabated for some time.

This problem is rectified with gentle care in the following pages, and their love does begin to bloom, but not without many struggles against their respective handicaps.

After all, who wants a giant circuitboard from another planet reaching into that play-doh you call a brain and forcing you to mate with one another? Sounds like the plot of “Barbarella meets Johnny Mnemonic” to me.

4. Ethan and Mary Hawley, as written by John Steinbeck (The Winter of Our Discontent)

A thoroughly depressing book (both in its portrayal of increasingly existential banality, materialism, and selfishness), The Winter of Our Discontent is often offered up as a failed book which sold well by Steinbeck, with many dismissing the tepid tone of the narrative without grasping that precise point.

In early to mid twentieth century Long Island, storeclerk Ethan Hawley and his wife live with their two children in a state of arrested development, working to middle class and almost completely unremarkable. These facts sting the family, as Ethan comes from a line of influential townsfolk and aristocrats – all persons of note and history which seem to dwarf the kindly and timid Ethan as the latest in lineage, much to the chagrin of his wife and family.

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Despite constantly working hard and being honest, Ethan never rises to prominence precisely due to this fact – while other townsfolk and businessmen are engaging in the extortion of labor or capital from other men, Ethan refuses to sink to this level. His family becomes increasingly agitated by his lack of material ambition and success and continually leech him for more; it is clear that Mary herself is losing interest both romantic and sexual in her husband as his “failure to launch” seems to be a permanent state of being rather than a temporary one.

Emblematic of problems which would later emerge in our own society – rampant materialism and selfishness, corruption of the principles of honesty both within marriage and within a larger social context, and a total lack of interest from romantic partners when economic gain and increase in social status fail to be achieved – Steinbeck’s work reminds us of the shallow nature of love between certain people and how deeply it can wound the unrequited party.

Ethan flees his house at night, attempting suicide in a seaside culvert. There is some small note of redemption and hope when he finds his daughter’s talisman thrust into his pocket, replacing the razor blades he had placed there, and he desperately attempts an uncertain escape from death.

3. Raistlin Majere and Crysania, as written by Margaret Weis & Tracy Hickman (Dragonlance Saga)

Though some describe the genre fiction work of Weis and Hickman as juvenalia, the line blurring young adult literature and format literature seems to be continually blurred. The one-sided and completely manipulated love between the cunning yet weak archmage Raistlin Majere and the pure and naive priestess of the good god Paladine is almost a classic tale of tragedy.

Raistlin is a frail and physically vulnerable mage who thirsts more than anything else in the world for more power – there is no limit to his ambition nor is there a limit to the power he would eventually wield, including over the heart of Crysania, a beautiful and noble priestess who falls in love with the tortured magic-user.

The plot centers around the necessity of a force of good to shield Raistlin from harm as he enters the Abyss to do spiritual and magical battle against the God of Darkness, the Dragon Queen, Takhisis. A mere mortal with extraordinary powers, Raistlin uses Crysania’s love for him to convince her to come with him on this journey to “strike down darkness”, though he does not tell her that his motive for doing so is to supplant the Dark Queen and take her place.

During their journey within the bowels of the Abyss, Crysania is struck down by demonic forces, saving Raistlin’s life. She pleads for Raistlin to stay, but he turns his back on her and plunges deeper, towards his destiny, abandoning her.

Though she would survive (blinded), the act itself was their final farewell and the breaking of Crysania for a great time, with Raistlin himself showing minor notes of regret as the tale spins on.

2. Montag and Mildred, as written by Ray Bradbury (Fahrenheit 451)

In a near-future where teens amuse themselves with lethal street races and consumed cruelty and books are burned by firemen tasked with cultural cleansing, Ray Bradbury succeeds in producing an omen which shows us the road to avoid if we’d prefer a free society. The romance between the pages, however, is as squalid and still as a bog – Mildred and Montag may be married on paper but they share no passion and no empathy and no love. While Montag struggles with this fact, his wife lives a life of superficiality and drug-induced state of tranquility that would put a Buddhist monk to the test.

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The tragedy of this relationship mostly comes along with the parcel of Mildred’s spiritual defeat. She is meant to represent the death of intelligence and criticism – she refuses to discuss anything of import or of consequence with Montag, immediately changing the topic to her favourite reality TV drama (her most constant demand is for Montag to install a ‘fourth wall’ sized television so that she can be completely encapsulated in sensory overload provided by her advertisers).

Silence is unbearable to her (the implication being that silence forces the mind to create and criticize on its own), she even wears a buzzing headpiece to bed which drowns out the words of her husband as easily as any other intrusive and perhaps stirring thoughts. Her life is on autopilot, and Montag is beginning to wake up.

He begins to hate his wife and her inability, indeed refusal, to think for herself. Her friends, all matronly elitists with little time for Montag’s subversive and disturbing antics, constantly dismiss or ridicule Montag in front of Mildred, embarassing his wife deeply. During one of their thrilling reality shows, an ultraviolent car race, Montag stands to recite poetry. The women are horrified at his gall (for poetry is clearly subversive and thus illegal) and some are so traumatized that they are driven to tears, or to flee.

All in all the contrast between willing sheep and resistant flame and the death of any love (platonic or romantic) between them not only stands as a symbol for romantic couples in our own time and place, but also the alienation between individuals who are unable to conform to an increasingly superficial world.

1. Winston and Julia, as written by George Orwell (Nineteen Eighty-Four, or 1984)

One of the most depressing dystopian fictions also hosts one of the most depressing romances to ever grace the page. An initial flourish of lust and love between the sex-repressed Winston and the Anti-Sex League poseur Julia allows the two to linger in paradise for a brief period of time between the pages. However, when the shopkeeper they are renting their lovenest from turns them in to the Inner Party and, accordingly, Big Brother, things quickly go south (and not in the good way).

Winston and Julie represent burning passion and the resistance of the human spirit against tyranny, both sexual and social. They find love in each other’s arms and a completion of their souls that is not present in their lives beforehand. The state, however, manages to twist their love with torture and starvation until they finally betray one another, wishing a plague of biting rats upon their lover in a plea to save themselves.

After their respective “state re-educations”, the two are re-united as they return to their parent culture. The following scene is perhaps one of the most insightful views of the death of love.

“I betrayed you”, she said baldly.

“I betrayed you”, he said.

She gave him another quick look of dislike.

“Sometimes”, she said, “they threaten you with something — something you can’t stand up to, can’t even think about. And then you say, ‘Don’t do it to me, do it to somebody else, do it to so-and-so.’ And perhaps you might pretend, afterwards, that it was only a trick and that you just said it to make them stop and didn’t really mean it. But that isn’t true. At the time when it happens you do mean it. You think there’s no other way of saving yourself and you’re quite ready to save yourself that way. You want it to happen to the other person. You don’t give a damn what they suffer. All you care about is yourself.”

“All you care about is yourself”, he echoed.

“And after that, you don’t feel the same toward the other person any longer.”

“No”, he said, “you don’t feel the same.”

______________________________

No matter what your opinion on romance might be, there can be no doubt that dystopia provides an excellent setting for tragedy between lovers. Whether it’s abandonment at the gates of hell or a figurative boot stamping on a human neck, forever — love hurts, scars, and drives readers to great heights of exhilaration and perhaps even depression as the characters they have imagined suffer the slings and arrows of the heart.

We welcome your discussion on these works. Do you have other suggestions for the most tragic love stories in modern fiction? Let us know in the comments below.

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Part 2 of our series on the best college reality shows that have never happened.

With the show that started “it” all – the explosion of the reality TV genre into mainstream popularity and pop cultural dominance – airing its twenty-fourth season, it’s kind of hard to believe that Mr. Probst and his crew have yet to consider the ratings bonanza on offer by challenge college co-eds to several on-campus challenges. Grab your best buds, your replica immunity idols, and consider filling out an application and a pain waiver in order to sign up for what is sure to be the hottest show of summer 2012, Survive ‘er. Or, as the Mayans would have termed it – the last summer, ever.

Survive ‘er: A New Show with No Boundaries

Television producers have been pushing the envelope since the format gained popularity during the mid to late twentieth century. It’s not a new idea. However, in an age where the boundaries have been pushed so far that nothing seems to shock anymore, Survive ‘er offers a whole new level of depravity, insanity, and schadenfreude all knotted together in an ouroboros of angst. For those of you without access to a thesaurus, thesaurus.com, or a liberal arts education, this means that it just got REAL.

Survive ‘er execs have already dropped pamphlets on many major American (sorry, Canadians) college campuses with some helpful tips and tricks for their upcoming qualifying challenges to see just who really survives the hell that is the contemporary college lifestyle. All contestants must overcome the preliminary challenge as well as a bonus endurance round to really prove your mettle (or that you’re metal!).

Hot Dog Eating Contest: What?!

Just when you thought you were safe from the dreaded food joke. Nope, not in this article.

An old-time staple re-invented for the modern era. Yea, back in the day you could be a real big shot around town if you placed 2^nd at a local hot dog eating contest – you might even get your name in the papers! Nowadays with hot dog eating freaks like Kobayashi pounding down 69 at a time, you’re going to have to really step up your game.

Why hot dogs? They’re cheap, easy to prepare (just slice those babies up into some Kraft Mac and Cheese or a can of Chef Boyardee), and don’t go bad if you leave them out on top of the pizza box from that party three nights ago (you’ll get around to it). They’re the ultimate college food as well as being an American institution and longstanding tradition of her peoples.

Practice for the big leagues on healthier alternatives like English cucumber or raw zucchini; remember, there’s only one immunity idol per dorm or discipline so make it work people!

Special Endurance Round: Stay Sober at the Department Mixer!

Forget about sorority pillow fights and beer pong with the “broskis”, this is going to take some serious dedication! You’re going to be spending at least three hours this Thursday night attempting to stay sober during your departmental mixer, making astute and witty conversation the entire while. No imitations accepted – if you fall flat your chances of winning the immunity idol follow suit.

• Pry your eyelids open while your department head tells hour-long stories about grading prehistoric gender studies papers from the early 1960s!
• Pretend you actually like the loudmouthed idiot in your cohort who insists on speciat status and attention!
• And best of all, no booze for you! You get to enjoy 180 minutes (that’s 10,800 seconds, for those counting the clock) in a small room with bad lighting, folding desks, and socially inept, unpracticed drunks. Survive with your sanity intact, and that idol is as good as yours.

While relatively few details are as yet to be revealed by those looking to push beyond the pilot of this “bold and sassy” new television experience, there’s certainly no doubt that the promise of smart and sexy college students strutting their stuff both inside and outside of the classroom will draw a very wide audience.

Be part of the magic, the excitement, the experience!

… and show those hot dogs who’s boss*!

Who’s with us?

*contestant’s choice of traditional or a saucy New England style bun upon request. We all know it’s the better choice.

The Fast and the Flirious — How to Tell if Your Professor Likes You

Okay, maybe “the fast and the flirtacious” would fit better but who doesn’t like a dated Vin Diesel joke squeezed in for good measure when approaching the topic of some serious sexiness. Coming back to the topic at hand, the most obvious first step is:

Attraction Assessment

Think about this whole scenario in some of dating-sim sense (although it’s probably best to keep your otaku-like obsession with Japanese sex and dating simulators on the DL), the first thing you’ll need to do if you’d like to hook up with your prof is to figure out whether the feeling is mutual.

How can you tell?

The first indication might be your grades. While it is always a bit titillating (huh, huh) to think about being that F student who sleeps their way to the dirty A, good grades are usually a sign of a positive impression. This is also the easiest step to take because it doesn’t require that you gawk at the object of your academic desire too openly, which comes next.

Observing your professor’s body language while they’re answering your questions or talking to you about your work is key. Men who make long and direct eye contact and lean in may be displaying signs of attraction. Likewise, female professors who shave their legs might be making a similar statement (more seriously, look for ladies to laugh or lightly touch you on the arm or knee to display interest).

Grades and gazes aren’t quite enough to really make a concrete judgment on, however. You’ll need to be a bit more aggressive in most cases to really know your odds. Most times, it is best to start making use of their office hours to drop by for some extra face time as well as some extra credit — this allows you the chance to have a more casual conversation one-on-one to see if any chemistry develops.

Post-Secondary Seduction – 3 popular approaches when cramming for cramming

1. The All-In: Yea, it sounds tough, crudely sexual, and relates to the manly game of poker. This approach is for the ballsy ladies and gents out there who have no sense of shame, and would hit on your professor in front of the entire lecture hall without batting an eye. This might work about 10% of the time — a generous estimate. If it fails, becomes the “Crash and Burn Beyond All Hope of Repair”, along with your grades.

2. The Shy Student: On the other end of the spectrum, we have the student who is so mortified by their infatuation with their hot prof that they almost radiate an unnecessary guilt about the whole crush. Sure, it might be a bit embarrassing for the whole class to hear about your leather and lace fantasies regarding the lecturer, but they’ll never happen if you keep it “neat and discreet“.  The shy student can be extremely endearing (especially when employed by cute girls, men who use this tactic may find success with male professors but significantly less fortune with females), but can also be too timid to even try. Most of these desires die on the mental drawing board.

3. The Adonis: Straight outta high school and straight into Intro to English Romance, this Romeo is an honors student — with distinction. Possessing all of the knowledge of the world (as any late teenager with a smartphone and basic reading ability) at his disposal, the Adonis sends mildly spicy e-mails and takes the time to meet up with his professor for coffee (or wine) at a local pub. Preferably with a live (but not too loud, you still need to be able to talk about smart stuff) band to enhance the hipster aura of intellectual stimulation. In other words, the perfect storm for play. The Adonis is more likely than most types to win the heart of his greatest desire.

While these three types may be among the most common approaches, surely there are others. Maybe you have your own story to share? After all, having an attraction to one’s professors or lecturers is one of the most common rites of passage in college life, one fraught through as well with a sense of danger, risk, and reward. Bragging rights for some and long-standing relationships for others, and those poor wretches whose plot was dashed upon the rocks, left scrambling to save face and grades. Is it right or wrong to shack up with students? Who’s to decide?

The discussion is both controversial and common, an outrage and a reality. Truth and fiction and tall-tales spun by student and scholar alike, vying for rights to the steamiest campus romance.

I’d love to hear yours. If you have your own tale of love among the stacks, drop me a note in the comments below!