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Ask A College Grad: “To Febreeze Or Not To Febreeze…”

Jan 24 2011 at 8:07 pm by

Happy Monday, everyone! If there’s one thing that America loves, it’s football. If there’s two things America loves, it’s football and couch naps. But if there’s three things America loves, it’s football, couch naps and completely unsolicited and borderline-useless advice! So with that in mind, I offer up to you the first of many semi-regular installments of “Ask A College Grad” where I will field questions from actual readers* and answer them from the point of view of someone that graduated college. Let’s dive into the first email:

Dear College Grad,

What are your thoughts on Febreeze? I feel like it’s a miracle in a can! Whenever something stinks, I spray it down and it’s just as good as actually cleaning. I may go so far as to stop doing laundry to save money! What do you think? Good idea?


Obviously A Freshman

Hopefully you don’t live anywhere near Southern California. I would not want to get stuck next to you on a plane, on a bus or even just waiting in line to get into a men’s room. The mistake you’re making is thinking that Febreeze eliminates all odor. It does not. Even at its best, Febreeze only knocks out about 70% of the smell. So when your friends come over to play Madden, they can still smell the foulness of whatever is in your dorm, even if you don’t think they can.

And don’t get me started on the opposite sex. If you bring a date to your room and it stinks like Febreeze, that’s a dead giveaway that you’re too lazy to actually clean, and that something smelly is pretty close by at the moment.

My freshman year, I lived on a floor with most of my school’s football team. Instead of washing their nasty pads and jerseys after practice, all the players would soak their equipment in Febreeze and stash them in the hallway. Our shared lobby smelled like some kind of horror than even H.P. Lovecraft wouldn’t dare describe. To this day, I can’t smell Febreeze without gagging.

Do yourself a favor and wash your clothes. You’ll thank me.

(And seriously, if you don’t own At The Mountains Of Madness already, buy it from us. For under $3, you have no excuses not to.)

*May not be actual readers

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