CAMPUS LIFE Victor the beaver's guide to the interwebs

5 Careers That Don’t Exist Yet… But Will Soon

Aug 6 2012 at 3:00 pm by

Financial Executioner

If things keep going the way they currently are you can be sure that gallows will be erected in cities across the world with a long line of banksters and various other white collar criminals waiting their turn to face the Financial Executioner. Paid on a commission basis, and with the only job requirements being that one looks fabulous in a big black hood and isn’t particularly squeamish, a successful Financial Executioner can expect great job security and a comfortable salary with full benefits.

executioner

“Green” Sector Entrepreneur / Cannabis Salesperson

As the boomers age and the changing of the guard hands over the reigns to younger generations X, Y, Z, and now Generation iPad, there can be little doubt that pressures both social and economic will force many societies to legalize and regulate everyone’s favorite taboo topic.

Let’s get serious — it’s here to stay. Big buds equal big bucks, in an already very lucrative industry despite grey-area, patchwork legality. State and provincial workers will make public sector wages and benefits while consumers contribute heavily to the tax base, a win/win situation.

cannabis leaf

Photo Credit: LancerenoK @ Flickr

 

Meme-edian

Is like a lesser comedian who only uses referential jokes, the prototype for which would be the dazzlingly talented and inimitable Dane Cook, esq.

Basically, it’s utilizing mad-libs with pop culture references as comedy crutches. An idiot could do it, and many do, for big bucks.

*Please note that while this career will certainly exist, comedy is no guarantee of cash.

Meme Examples: Olympic Divers (Rocket Butt or Toilet Issues Editions)

olympic divers rocket butt

Olympic Divers on the Toilet

Nursing Home I.T. Nerd:

Yep, that’s right. Nursing homes (or, if you’re sensitive, “continuing care facilities”) are going to be filled to the brim with insanely-old-thanks-to-modern-medicine ladies and gents who not only know how to play Wii Sports, they also know what a tablet is.

Nursing Home I.T. Nerds will undoubtedly have to change as many bedpans as the regular staff, except with the added responsibility of hooking up internet connections. A thankless job that, due to the high demand, will certainly pay for that shipping container in the crumbling suburbs. After all, this is the future, and you worked hard for it!

I.T. Nerd

Teacher-From-Home

Otherwise known as the Pasty, Out-of-Shape Robed Horror, the Teacher-from-Home is not necessarily a new thing. English language teachers currently use the Internet to tutor students in South Korea. The difference is, teaching from home will become much more popular as “friends” become something that you collect on Facebook and “chatting” is done on Facetime.

It’s simple. All you need to perform in this job is:

  • The ability to at least appear sober.
  • The ability to wear clothes above the waist.
  • The ability to speak English gooder than most.
  • The internet, and a computer. The same things you are using right now to read this, which means it’s sort of redundant to even list it, right?

Seriously, that’s it. This type of work won’t pay the bills (let alone the enormous student loans) but it will pay for ramen and a cheap room in a basement apartment, or your share of the groceries with Mom and Dad. Whichever exciting path you choose in this career, you can be sure that you’ll leave an indelible mark in history to be written in the future.

creepy teacher

With such five exciting careers (okay, we admit, only one of them is really interesting at all) it’s hard not to be a young person today absolutely pumped about future economic prospects.

With such a gleaming edifice of hope standing before us, who can really doubt that the jobs of the future will be challenging, fulfilling, and ultimately rewarding?

Anyone?

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